Is It How It Feels When We are Getting Older?

It was a 2.5 hours conversation between two friends, to feed our needs of human connection, even when the physical distance separated us. Because apart from whatever we are currently doing and trying, in the end, all of us are just humanbeings living in the same history, living in a pandemic and try to keep alive in this kind of survival mode.

I found there is always something worth to share, so I wrote this. 

The call was opened with a very common and predictable question; "how's life?"

But the process to answer was all about reflection into other reflections. Not necessarily to only answer the question itself, but more into re-affirming our current emotion, "am I okay? what do I feel?" then the conversation developed, unstructured still, yet well covered important elements of life.

In the midst of debating between "sentil" and "grendel" for the Javaness terminology of locking the doors, we talked about adult life. When we become more conscious about our own selves; which one is essential, and which one is not.

As you probably predicted; work, family, study, love, friends-related topics dominated the conversation, where it all connected back into our personal life. Sometimes we shared about (what we see as) fact, but we sometimes admitted, most of them could be just our assumption. You know right? we all can be wrong.

As we talked, I found that unpacking and understanding ourselves are so damned hard. I come to the realization that it was a long life journey, and of course impossible to be achieved overnight. This journey inward, you like it or not, define what will you choose in your life. Well, you are always choosing in this life, right?

Then, we came across about the idea to take master degree. It sounds really fascinating, right? for me too. Yet I haven't really started any step. Since this questions haunted me overtime; "what do I want to study? what do I really need? what make me worth for the opportunity? how if actually, no need for me to do that?" 

So when she shared about her undebatable choice of her master degree plan, I was amazed. Congrats to her and good luck for the new journey ahead. I congrated her more than because she finally nailed it, but finally she is done with long process of finding her life purpose. Agree or not, we are probably in the journey to find our life purpose, some of us might be almost there, some are just still far away. Walk or run are just okay, as long as we don't stop to find.

The most interesting part was when we talked about; how do we feel about our family  (our connection with parents and siblings), our friends (our connection with our closest friends, who they are, how do we treat them, and how do they treat us) and our crush (who is he, how do we connect with him, what do we like (and don't like) about him). This idea echoed in my mind even until now; "In the end, it's not their right and responsibility to define yourself. You are what you define yourself, what you define as your value in your life."

Human to human connection is always interesting to discuss, isn't it? 

Have you ever felt that you lost yourselves in the middle of conversation with your family, friends and someone you like? You try too hard to adjust, avoiding to show your true color because you are afraid you won't be accepted?

Sometimes I have. "Is it correct to say? Will they judge me? How if they don't like what I say?" My mind was going wildly while I was typing (and kept erasing) for so long time in the room chat...

I am not feeling safe in the circle. 

Per seconds I doubt all of this feelings. Then she said, "how if every feelings that you have is valid?" 

And what left is all about my own choice, right? Either to put it on the table so we gain the clarity or to continue this kind of uncomfortable feelings so no one get hurt.

I would not say, one choice is better than the other, because every choice has the cost, whether you can deal with it or not. I wonder, which one I need to choose then?

In the end, only our own selves who know the best, not other people. 

Alright, let's continue with other worth-sharing conversation next time. It's time for me time!

Pekalongan & Batam, Aug 8th around the same time.
Still alive at home.